Hey Jasmin,

It’s been a while I didn’t wrote you a text !! <3
I first had the idea to write everything down on an A4 paper, but it’s already almost 4:00 AM so I just went a bit creative to save some time :)

I wanted to write you this to tell you first of all how much I love you, I maybe don’t say it often enough especially theses days. You’re the best thing that happened to me. I acknowledge that I have a lot of work to do on some aspects of myself, I reflect way more than I ever did and I believe that I’m evolving towards a better version of myself, even though some highs and lows.

I wanted also to use the opportunity of this letter to apologize about my reaction yesterday when we went to Sainte Cath. It’s the kind of reactions I was talking about, I know it’s not good. I can imagine that from annother point of view it is unimaginable but I’m aware of this. I was not proud of telling you the reason why but I’m thankful, because although it was really not nice you directly forgave me and did not gave any judgements on this.

Annother thing I wanted to talk about is how bad I’m feeling about our current sexual life. Not that we’re not having enough sex but that I’m unwilllingly stressing you about this, it was never my intention. And it really really really broke my heart yesterday when you asked me if I want to go to an open-relationship.. Even if you were joking I almost cried about this. I’m so sad that it crossed your mind that my words about our sexual life could lead me to frequent other womens in order to « satisfy » myself :(

To be honest I’m not even just looking for sex, it’s not lust. I’m looking for intimacy with you, my girlfriend, my partner, my love, and not just the act of sex, the smells, the feel, the adrenaline, foreplays, the way we look at each others, the way we undressed ourselves, we touch each others, aftercare, the way we look at each others in the eyes, breathe during it, etc… When we were in Hyeres I felt so good in the relationship because there was so much physical contact, so much closeness, intimacy, connexion, adrenaline. I’ve felt desired like I’ve never felt before and I felt that our link was unbeatable. But I’m somehow terrified at the idea that it is just a memory and a peak of our relationship, and that we’re entering a « boring routine ». I’m so so scared of this.

Not a SINGLE female on earth would bring this. I don’t want physical sex, I want to get closer in an intimacy way with you. You’re unique and I fell in love with you. And I think I’m that much into intimacy with you not only because I love it, but also because physical contact reassure me a lot about the state of our relationship and the love and desire we both have for each others. I think I need to feel desired to feel in safety as I’m pretty insecure about this, to feel that there’s still the flame of our desire burning as it was at the beggining of our relationship, but also to avoid my worst nightmare which is a « routine relationship », where most of the people are stuck in and « fakely » still in love.. I think this is also why I value so so so much the time we spend cuddling in the bed, under the blanket so close of each others, since this is what is closer to sex as it is very close and physical contact. And on annother hand, this is also why I’m telling you that I will feel so so bad in a long distance relationship, as I see physical distance as a huge turnout in a relationship and a main source of pain and frustration, at least from me..

But I’m sorry that you saw it in a more perverted and physique-focused way. My desire come from the deepest of my heart and my fears, and not from my hormones since I’m mostly not errected when we’re just together. But I’m sorry if I’m too insistant or if you feel pressured sometimes, it was never my intention :/ I would really love to understand a bit better how your libido works, how your desire is growing. It’s really something which is quiet challenging for me to read in you. I’m usually not bad at reading people but it’s different with you, even though we’ve been living for a while together ;) And I'm very happy that I managed to express everything I wanted about all of this, I really wanted to clarify and tell you what I have on my heart !!